Happy Saturday Helmets!
It’s been a while, but I figured I’d write one of these because I’m on vacation with my family and I’m up early and if I don’t find a way to occupy some time I’m just gonna wake everyone up and get my ass chewed. So here we are.
What a year! I’m batting about .190 on my bets, but at least I don’t get sad when the Huskers lose anymore. In fact, I found myself rooting for the other team after the Northwestern loss. Anything to get that twink albino Frost out of town. I think my daughter could have had a better record than he did. He’s the worst.
One last thing before my picks. Do you guys ever get on a losing streak so bad that you don’t even know if you’re making a bet because you like it or because you’re fading yourself? Or when you are just going through your phone and see your gambling app and get instantly stressed out without even opening it? I’m sure it’s just me.
Kansas +8.5 @ Oklahoma
In Tom Osborn’s final 5 seasons he won 3 nattys and was 60-3. 60-3!!!!! Now, Husker fans are hoping that we can convince the football coach from Kansas to come coach in Lincoln. Just shameful. How is someone supposed to have any self respect with that fact pattern? The Sooners are a disaster. They’ve won 3 games. You tell me which one is most impressive. Here they are. UTEP, Kent St, Nebraska. That’s like beating Glass Joe, Don Flamenco, and Piston Honda. Congrats Sooners. Jayhawks win outright.
Bye -21 vs Iowa
LOL JK, but seriously, fuck Iowa.
Illinois +6.5 vs MN @ Illinois
Ole Bert has got the Illini playing some ball this year! That guy can flat out coach football in the Big 10. He gets his shit pushed in down south in the SEC, but he knows the Big 10. I’ve heard PJ Fleck’s name thrown around for the Husker job. If that happens I’ll just snap. You’ll see me on national news. After everything Husker fans have been through in the past two decades we are not going to row the fucking boat. No chance. Unless he wins. Then I’ll do whatever he wants. I don’t care. No morals. If Putin came to Nebraska and went to a bowl game I’d get his face tattooed on my cheek. Someone just please make it stop!
Bama -8.5 vs Tennessee
Isn’t it cute that Tennessee thinks they’re good? Bless their hearts. I can promise you this, every Vol fan there is knows what happens today. Sports have no soul. No feelings. Sports do not exist to make you feel better about yourself. It is competition and there is no hiding. If you play Lebron one on one you might find a way to get one through the hoop if you’re really lucky, but in the end he’s gonna beat the fuck out of you. Alabama has QB issues…I guess. That’s what they say anyway. If you wanna call not knowing which 5 star freak athlete to lead your offense an issue I suppose that’s an issue. I wish I had issues like that. Between gambling on football and the stock market I’m trying to figure out how to keep the lights on. That’s an issue.
That’s it guys. It’s almost 6:30 here in CA. My fam has slept in long enough. Time to bang a bunch of stuff around and be loud af so everyone will wake up. Classic dad shit. I don’t know about you guys, but all the stuff my dad did that I hated growing up I thoroughly embrace now. Annoying and embarrassing your family is the best. There’s just nothing better. I can’t explain why, but the joy I feel when I see their cute little faces crinkle in disgust just gives me the fuel I need to get through the day.
Bonus pick. Take Purdue. Don’t be fooled. Nebraska still sucks. Don’t overthink it.
Have a great day boys!

What a great day today is. Day after Thanksgiving, Friday, does anyone work today?, Fuck Iowa, leftovers, and college football. Bad news is that the season is coming to a close. Let’s see if we can send this one out on a high note.
2019 Record
Last Week 2-1
Overall 19-17
Georgia -28 @ GA Tech Pick: Georgia
Bad matchup for Tech. They rely on the run because they haven’t been able to throw the ball since…..ever and the Bulldogs have allowed one touchdown run all season. One! Tech doesn’t score and Georgia sets themselves up for a title run. Kirby Smart punches a reporter when asked about Alabama.
Utah -28 vs Colorado @ Utah Pick: Utah
I remember when we left the CU/Nebraska game that it sucked to take an L, but CU must be better than everyone thought. I mean we had a Heisman trophy candidate at quarterback and Ginger Jesus as our coach. Obviously, CU was setting up for a monster season. LOL NOPE! They suck balls. Utah knows it needs to be impressive today and they will.
Indiana -7 at Purdue Pick: Indiana
Indiana has had a pretty good season and have exceeded expectations. Purdue has had a shitty season and has met expectations. I just don’t see any way this is close. Indiana should be able to do what they want when they want.
That’s it for the 2019 edition of the Rocky Mountain Locks. I really wish that I could tell you that I only bet the games I pick on here, but that would be a lie. It would also be a lie to tell you that those other picks are doing well. Gambling on college football games is dumb and we all know it. It might lead you to ask the question of why? Why do we do it then? We know it’s stupid, but we do it anyway. Is it for adrenaline? For the thrill of hitting that last leg of a parlay? To try out your new “system”? No. None of these are the answer. The reason we all do this is because we are mentally handicapped. Our brain is broken and we should get help.
Good luck the rest of the way boys. Merry Christmas if I don’t see ya!

Good Evening Degenerates,
Sports gambling, like poker, is a game of skill. It takes a lot of research and God given intuition to hit 3 out of 3 games. Many are called, but few are chosen in this racket. It’s time to extend the heater.
2019 Record
Last Week 3-0
Overall 17-16
Texas A&M @ Georgia Pick: Aggies
I have a feeling that the end of this season is going to be absolutely wild and I believe it will start with this game. Jimbo is an ELITE coach and is going to remind Kirb dog of that this weekend. When I say ELITE I mean Scott Frost level stuff. Sneaky good.
Arizona State +14 vs Oregon @ ASU Pick: Shockers
Arizona State isn’t just a hot chick school anymore. Herm “you play to win the game” Edwards is teaching these boys how to play some foosball. I’m calling for chaos boys. Pure unadulterated, Whistleblower, Shifty Schiff chaos.
Texas +5.5 @ Baylor Pick: Texas
Texas is back!!!!! I have to say it at least once a year. They are so not back, but they’ll pull it together to put it on the Bears tomorrow.
I get it. Not my best effort. I’m busy as shit right now and I’m trying to leave the house to head back to Nebraska to chase some pheasants around with my two daughters. These two sheltered little shits are going to watch daddy shoot an innocent bird and twirl it around until it’s neck breaks. I’m going to screw up their future husbands lives this weekend. Tomorrow is the day they find out daddy murders roosters.
Have a great weekend fellas.

Oh fer. Going 0-3 is like jerking off and three putting. You feel really bad and you’re really ashamed, but you know you’re going to do it again and it’s probably going to happen pretty soon.
Whatever.
On with it.
2019 Record
Last week 0-3 barf
Overall 14-16
Alabama -18 @ Miss St. Pick: Alabama
I’m not exactly sure what is going on here. The first time I saw the line it was 19.5 so I jumped on it. It then went up to 21 as expected, but then it went to 17.5 and sits at 18 right now. So what, exactly, would be the thought process here? That the Bulldogs saw something on film last week that would keep them from getting boatraced? Maybe the think they found a way to rattle Saban? Alabama kills Miss St on Saturday. Take first half, 2nd half, whole game, and tie every parlay you have onto Bama.
Iowa -3 vs Minnesota @ Iowa. Pick: Iowa
My confidence in this pick is approaching 0. Iowa is just the worst though. They never let anyone have any fun. The gophers are feeling really good after last week and they should. I faded them and lost my ass, but Iowa just has a way of shitting on your dreams. They’re the absolute worst. Fuck Iowa.
Michigan -13.5 vs Sparty @ Michigan
So Sparty really did that. They really lost to Illinois just like Wisconsin did. I know Black Santa has the Illini rolling, but jeez. Are you ready to talk to your kids about Minnesota and Illinois being good at football? I’m not. I don’t know how to even begin that conversation. Somehow this is Trump’s fault and we should impeach him for it.
So I get to put up Christmas decorations this weekend. I’d love to bitch about it, but the truth is I really like doing that. Christmas is the best!
Nebraska plays Wisconsin this weekend and I am scared to watch it. The Huskers are just not very good at tackle football.
I tried to be an Alabama fan last weekend and that might have sucked even more than being a Nebraska fan. As a Husker fan you are not surprised by losing anymore. It’s just the amount and who you lose to that is surprising and can catch you off guard. As an Alabama fan I just kept waiting for them to do the Bama thing where they win by 30. Then they lost. Screw those guys.
One of these days being a college football fan will be fun again. Thank God for gambling.
Make that cheeeeeeeeese!

TGIF Mofo’s,
I thought 2018 was rock bottom. 2019 was the season of promise! Darkhorse natty contender (Don’t believe me? Look up the preseason futures). Adrian Martinez for Heisman (Seriously. I can’t make this shit up). Consensus pick to win the B1G West (Urb even had em). Start the season. Colorado was a hiccup. Ohio State was a beating. Minnesota and Indiana were embarrassing. But Purdue…….Purdue is when I found out rock bottom had a basement. There appears to be a hole in the basement floor as well, but can’t be sure. The good news is that I get to find out soon.
Oh yeah. There’s this. “We suck at football, but Fred Hoiberg is here! At least we can look forward to basketball season!”
UC Riverside 66
Nebraska 47
2019 Record
Last Week 1-2
Overall 14-13
Penn State -6.5 @ Minnesota Pick: Penn State
I’m not buying what Minnesota is selling. They can row that stupid boat all they want and it still isn’t going to keep them within a touchdown of Penn State. The world doesn’t make sense when Minnesota is good at football. I need things to make sense.
Purdue @ Northwestern Pick: Under 39
I can pick totals in the locks can’t I? I mean they are mine. I basically write this thing for myself and the 5 guys that actually open it up. Under it is! I don’t see any way these two squads get anywhere near this number. The last time Northwestern scored a touchdown was October 5th. OCTOBER 5TH! Nebraska had only lost 2 games on October 5th. 44 offensive possessions. No TDs. Gimme the Under.
Maryland +43.5 @ Ohio State Pick: Maryland
It just feels like too many doesn’t it? No doubt the Suckeyes are gonna kill these guys, but by over 6 touchdowns? I guess I’ll pay to see it. This is one of those games that goes into half 35-0 and you just feel like hitting yourself in the nuts with a hammer. I think somehow Maryland musters up 17 points to get a cover.
Bonus pick!!!!!!!
Nebraska +1 vs Bye week Pick: Nebraska
Kidding! Unless someone wants the other side………..
Not a ton planned this weekend. I’m a little under the weather, but nothing a winning Saturday with a 4 team parlay can’t cure. I’m really excited to to watch the LSU/BAMA game. 62 is the total! Remember when these two played and they couldn’t get over the 50 yard line? Crazy how things change.
Enjoy is fellas!

Happy Halloween Homies!
Bros……Cabo is sweet. I think the best thing about going to Mexico is going to place like Cabo where it doesn’t feel like Mexico. I’ll definitely be going back, but I just wish they would bring some more Mexican pricing over there.
I left wondering why anyone would want to leave a place where they could rip off a bunch of tourists they way that they do down there. If I lived there the last place I would think about going is America.
2019 record
Last Week 2-1 Overall 13-11
Washington +3 vs Utah @ Washington Pick: Washington
Quick question. When did Utah get good? Next question. There are actually people on this earth that think Utah is going to win this game? LMAO! It’s not like this is Alabama in the Sugar Bowl.
Nebraska -3.5 @ Purdue Pick: NEBRASKA
You’re damn right I did it. Indiana is an amazing football team and if you swapped those Hoosier jerseys out for Clemson jerseys no one would be the wiser. The Huskers played them tough all game and barely lost. I think they turned a corner last week and that’s why we’re breaking the rules. The Blackshirts are going to make a statement to the world that will surely be watching on Saturday. Natty 2020.
CSU -8.5 vs UNLV @ CSU Pick: CSU
I went from 80 every day in Cabo last week to coming home to the polar vortex. It sucks. It’ll be below freezing at kick and the boys from Vegas are going to fold. No one likes being outside in this shit. There’s going to be more people working at the stadium than actually in the stadium, but at least the beer line will be short. CSU is gonna roll.
I’m getting ready to take my kids trick or treating for like 5 minutes tonight…….who am I kidding. My wife is getting ready to take my kids trick or treating for like 5 minutes tonight. It sounds awful. As soon as they are out of sight I’m just gonna turn the lights off, grab some beers, eat the candy I’m supposed to be handing out, and watch Appy State get this cover like they always do.
Have a great weekend fellas!

Greetings from Cabo!
This isn’t going to be very long or very well thought out because I’m on the 6th day of this bender and it’s way too nice outside to be hammering away on this iPad. Those Modelos aren’t going to drink themselves.
2019 record Last week 1-2 Overall 11-10
Oregon -14 vs Wazzu @ Oregon. Pick: Ducks
It pains me to fade the pirate. Dude is my favorite coach in all of football. Hearing him call his team soft, fat, and entitled was one of the best sound bites of all time. The issue is that I don’t think it will cause any changes. I know when my wife calls me soft, fat and entitled it doesn’t change my behavior.
Auburn +10.5 @ LSU Pick: Auburn
LSU has been playing as well as anyone in the country and I think they’ll probably be too much for Auburn, but 10.5 is too many. I think if you just tell your bookie you want the Tigers you can’t lose.
App st @ S Alabama Pick: App St
I don’t know a single damn thing about either one of these teams. All I know is that my brother keeps betting on them and they have been a cash machine.
That’s it. All I’ve got. I’m going to get back to that bender now if that’s cool with everyone.
Have a great weekend boys!

Sent from my iPad

Happy Friday Fuckers,
Just over here gettin’ dubs, doing what I do. You know the drill.
Let’s just get this out of the way. I know that Michigan didn’t play the Suckeyes yet and I meant that Wisconsin was doing the handing of panties to Harbaugh. You all knew what I meant, but you just had to be dicks about it.
Next, I had Texas +11 and I’ve received some feedback regarding that sometimes it’s hard to know which team I pick. I know that sometimes the analysis of the game can get pretty technical so I’ll try to be more specific, but my pick is always listed first when I list the matchup.
By the way, Wyoming second half didn’t cover. That one hurt…….a lot.
Wisconsin -31 @ Illinois. Pick: Wisconsin
Yep. We’re still gonna fade Black Santa and the Illini. Why you ask? Because they still suck. You know how I know that? Because Nebraska beat them and Nebraska is a tire fire of a football team. The Nebraska wrestling team could beat Nebraska football at football. Ugh! They’re the worst. PJ Fleck rowed his fricking boat up right up Nebraska’s ass. Being a Nebraska fan is like being………whatever. Anyways, Wisconsin runs over Illinois and I think it’ll probably be a shutout to boot.
Florida -5 @ South Carolina Pick: Florida
Florida is the real deal. That LSU game was awesome. Especially if you were on the Tigers! South Carolina just beat Georgia and I don’t know what to think about that. I think it’s probably a lot like being at a party and hooking up with a chick that’s way out of your league. She’s drunk, you’re drunk and the whole time you’re wondering if it’s really happening. The next day she’s gone and you wonder if maybe she wants to go grab something to eat and she starts her side of the conversation with. “Last night was really fun, but…..” Just do what we all do Cocks. Lock that one in the spank bank and move on with your sorry reality.
Alabama -34.5 vs TN @ Bama Pick: Bama (duh)
Sticking with the theme of betting on good teams against horrible teams we come to Bama vs TN. Alabama by a million. Not even close ever. Tennessee won’t even win the coin toss. They won’t win the party. They won’t win at life. Just taking L’s like Miley Cyrus takes D’s And V’s and ATMs. Tua probably won’t even have a very good game because they won’t even have to pass the ball and he’ll only play for 35 seconds because they’ll already be up 21-0.
So I’m headed to Cabo with my wife and some friends for a week. Leaving on Sunday at 11:30 so if you hear about a United Flight that had to make an emergency landing because some psycho kept breaking the TVs on the plane I’m gonna need one of you dudes to come pick me up. Here’s a couple of lines for this next week
Modelo’s consumed o/u 100
Pounds gained o/u 10
Food poisoning. Yes -150. No +135
Number of time I get laid o/u 1
Still married next Sunday even money
Enjoy the weekend boys!

Hey there homies,
3-0 like a muthaeffin’ boss and that Georgia cover was durrrrtttttyyyy! Gambling is so much fun. It makes you wonder why you even have a day job.
2019 Record
Last Week 3-0 suck it bookieman Overall 10-8
Michigan -23 @ Illinois
Khaki Jesus has had a rough go of it lately. The offense has been horrible and he got his panties handed to him by the Suckeyes. There’s a cure for everything though. Like hot tea for a sore throat or McDonalds for a hangover or Penicillin for itchy things, Illinois will make it all better. Big Blue will move the ball at will and will make Illinois rethink using their tax dollars on football.
Texas vs Oklahoma @ a fair somewhere
This is always a weird game and always really fun to watch. I think my favorite part is watching the masses at the Texas state fair getting heart disease. Deep fried butter? Deep fried twinkies? Deep fried Snickers? The first two sound gross, but I could probably get down with a deep fried snickers. I think that one of these years Wal Mart should have their annual meeting there for the game. All of their customers are already there anyway.
LSU -13 vs Florida @ Death Valley
This is another line that just stinks. I really thought it would come out at under a touchdown so you have to take Florida, right?!?! Hell nah. The line hasn’t budged and I suppose someone is thinking that Kyle Trask is going to pee himself when he steps into that atmosphere. I’m inclined to believe them. Joe Burrow for Heisman!
Other than basking in my 3-0 glory of last week I think I have a pretty good weekend planned out. I’m gonna watch some football, drink some beers, throw things, drink more beers, check my bank account, smile, have a sandwich, tell my wife not to bother me, search “how to hide from your bookie” on google, switch to bourbon, cry, and put a million dollars on Wyoming to try to break even.
I hope your weekend goes as good as mine does.

Happy Friday Furburgers,
The good news is that I’m home safe after taking that flight with my Brother In Law. There was some sketchy parts, but he did great! I learned a couple of things.
1. The best way I can explain one of those planes is a Jeep Wrangler with wings. It’s not very big. 2. Wind matters. A lot! Nothing like flying West with your nose pointed Southwest. 3. Being hungover in a plane like that is the worst. I thought about jumping out a couple of times. 4. There are no bathrooms and you can’t pull over to a gas station. #1 = no problem, #2 = nightmare fuel
2019 Record
Last Week 2-1 Overall 7-8
Ohio State -20 vs Sparty @ The Shoe
So last Saturday was awesome. I woke up and went to my niece’s soccer game, had a couple of Modelo’s with breakfast and headed to Lincoln. We got to Lincoln and found a spot at a bar to post up and watch some football. I saw a ton of old friends which was awesome. The conversations went something like this. “Well they’re clearly better than us, but you never know!” After a couple more beers and some shots that conversation switched to, “I don’t know man. They haven’t played anyone. I have a good feeling about this!” By the time we stumbled our asses into the stadium it was, “These mutherfukkers have no idea what’s coming. This is Lincoln baby! We run this bitch!”
48-7
By the way, the Suckeyes violate Sparty. Win by a million.
Georgia -24.5 @ Tennessee
I think Tennessee and Nebraska should schedule each other because there’s no other way they’ll ever play. The chances of both of them getting to a bowl game in the same year is approaching zero. Georgia, on the other hand, is a hell of a team and I feel like they are going to bring the wood to the Vols tomorrow. Tennessee has shown that their D is OK, but their offense is trash. It gets ugly late. 38-7
Iowa State -3.5 vs TCU @ Jack Trice
You don’t just roll into Ames, Iowa on a Saturday and get dubs. It’s one of the most intimidating venues in all of football. Jack Trice Stadium and it’s 8,500 fans (that are all from Iowa btw, so their faces all have that inbreddy look to them) are a fearsome sight for any opponent. TCU’s defense is schizophrenic and the Cyclones have found their passing attack. I really don’t think it’s even close. If Iowa City, Iowa is America’s butthole, Ames is the hemorrhoid.
So I have a pretty exciting Saturday planned. I’m gonna head over to a middle school girls volleyball tournament which starts at 9:00 AM. It’s a single elimination tournament so if they lose it means grabbing a couple of beers and yelling at my TV. If they win, they play again at 1:00. If they win again, they play in the middle of the afternoon. Go whoever is playing my daughters team!!!!!!
Enjoy the weekend boys.